Violet Fights For Her Worth and Finds Her Voice

On a scorching hot September morning in a worn-out desert town of Southern California, I stepped out of my air conditioned car and hurried down the long dusty hallway to my classroom. For over a week, I - along with dozens of other frenzied middle school teachers - were preparing our classrooms and curriculum for another group of high energy, extremely awkward, and lovingly complicated adolescents. Reaching my classroom, I quickly unlocked the door, feeling refreshed by the cool air.

Within a few moments, I put the finishing touches on the first day's lesson plan and scanned the room for any final preparations. Before long, students began filing into the classroom, nervously searching for the right desk and seeking reprieve from the oppressive heat. As I warmly greeted the early-birds and welcomed them to eighth-grade English, my eyes caught sight of a mature rough-looking girl standing in the doorway, not wanting to enter but not allowing others in. With the sound of the bell signaling the start of class, I walked over to her and smiled. "Hi, my  name is Mrs. Kenley." She paused, looking down at her class schedule. I continued,"May I see your schedule?"

Without a word...

Without a word but studying me behind her thick black make-up and through the long unruly bangs which hid part of her face, she handed the crumpled paper over to me. I looked up. "Welcome, Violet. What a pretty name.  Please take a desk anywhere for now." Making her way to the back of the room, Violet took her seat, adjusted her black tank top so her VV tattoo was completely visible on her upper right arm, and stared out the window.

Violet chose never to read...

Over the next several weeks, my first period English students settled into their routine as did my other classes. Loving teaching as I did, it was always my goal to make sure my classroom was a safe place for kids - to be themselves and also to learn. Early on in the year, many students were excited about reading new novels, engaging in our discussions, and most were exhibiting enthusiasm in our assignments, except for Violet.  She remained in the back of the room, as quiet as a mouse. And although Violet chose never to read in class or volunteer an answer to a question, I knew from her written work that she was incredibly bright and talented.  Her poetry was unusually poignant and personal. I wanted to help her with it - take it to a new level - but I didn't want to intrude upon her self-imposed isolation from our class. Noticing that Violet usually hung out with her friends near our classroom before school started, I decided I would try to talk to her before first period started.

One cool Fall  morning before school, I stepped outside our classroom and peered down the long hallway. I saw Violet leave a group of girls, all dressed very much like her. As she walked toward our room, I approached her.

"Good morning, Violet. May I speak with you for a minute?" She glanced at me nervously, as if she were in trouble. I stepped closer.

"Violet, I just wanted to tell you how amazed I am with your writing, especially your poetry! You have such a gift!"  Violet looked confused, unsure as to what I meant. She said nothing. I continued.

"Violet, if you would like, I would love to work with you on it.  With a little help, I think your writing has so much promise." She stood there, numb.  "I often work with students after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Do you think you could stay after on those days?" Feeling as though I overstepped my bounds, I waited for Violet to speak. Finally, her mouth moved.

"I....uhhhh....I can't stay after school.  I have to go home right after school is out. I....I  take care of

Her dark brown eyes spoke...

my brothers and sisters."

I jumped at the opening. "Violet, what about before school?  I see you are always here early? Would that work?"

For the first time since school started, Violet looked up at me. Her beautiful dark brown eyes spoke volumes of emotion, but she spoke six words.  "Yea....I can probably come then."



The months flew by, as they always do, especially when students are growing, changing, and blossoming. Violet was transforming too. We worked together every Tuesday and Thursday morning, almost every week. She became very focused on her writing, excelling in every form of it. We entered several poems into the school newspaper and submitted two of her essays to local competitions. Violet started trusting in our class, reading aloud, and participating in the interactive simulations.  As more time passed, I saw how Violet began to believe in herself. I witnessed firsthand how her worth started to form and take hold.

Then to my surprise, one Spring day after class, Violet asked to speak to me, privately. We set a time to meet before school the following week. Violet came to our classroom extra early.  We sat down in the student desks, facing one another. I waited for her.

"Mrs. Kenley, uhhh... I don't know if you know but I am in a girls' gang."  She pulled her sleeve away, revealing the VV tattoo, and covering it again.  "That's me - Violet Vasquez...." She lowered her head.

"Yes, I know, Violet. Are you ok? Is everything alright."  Stumbling over my words, I added, "Is there something I can do to help?"

Lifting her head, she spoke firmly. "No, Mrs. Kenley.  I have to do this myself. I....uhhh...am going to get jumped-out of my gang. I don't want to be in it anymore....and I just wanted you to know cause I may not be in school for a few days afterwards...it's gonna be hard. But, I gotta do it." Violet got up to leave.

I stood up quickly. "Violet, are you sure there isn't something I can do or get you some help?"

Violet paused at the door and smiled. "Mrs. Kenley, you've helped me so much already. Now, I need to do this for me."

Worried sick for several days, I waited for any news. Rumors spread throughout the school of Violet's departure from the gang, and I knew she was home recuperating. When she returned, her clothing had softened and her make-up and hair took on a lighter flaie as well. We resumed our tutoring sessions and Violet's writing flourished. She assimilated even more closely into our network of discussions and activities. And them, to my astonishment, Violet pushed herself even further.

Discovering Myself

At the end of every school year - with all the testing done and finals completed - I offer students the opportunity to "teach for a day".  I require they submit a full lesson plan,with goals, objectives, and a material list. With many applications submitted, I always try very hard to accept every student's application, even if it needs a little adjusting. However, without question, Violet's lesson plan on poetry - Discovering Myself  - exceeded any of my expectations.

On her "Teacher Day", as Ms. Vasquez neatly wrote her name on the board, I made myself comfortable in her desk, now in the center of the room. My heart beat with admiration as I watched her and listened to her. You see, Violet took a risk. She chose to walk away from self-defeating behaviors and move toward self-valuing behaviors. Violet decided to detach herself from damaging influences, and she made the choice to begin investing in herself. She did the hard work. Even with so many forces working against her, Violet fought for her worth and she found her voice.

Violet fought for her worth...

Knowing the struggles that so many young people face today, it sometimes feels impossible to change your circumstances or to alter your path in life. And yet, just like Violet, each of you has a well of worth waiting to serve you in whatever ways you choose.

You must brave enough to fight for it.

Another Way is here to show you the way.

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Alejandra's Gift of Self-Respect

Last blog  Do You Allow Others To Determine Your Worth or Do You Determine Your Own Worth? , we learned...if you want to change how you feel about yourself, if you want to take charge of your value, you have two important decisions to make.  First, are you willing to define your worth? Secondly, are you willing to be selective about how and in whom or what you invest yourself?

If you are reading this, it means you are ready to get started! Here we go. Ask yourself and answer the following questions... 

Do you respect yourself?

  If so, how do you know that you do? 

And most importantly, why should you?

Treat Yourself With Respect!

As you are thinking about those questions, read how one amazing 15 year old answered them.

A few weeks ago, I had the extraordinary pleasure of attending an annual luncheon sponsored by a large women’s organization in our community. What makes this gathering so special is the opportunity to meet and connect with high school girls who are working towards attending college after graduation.  This diverse gathering of young females has been identified by their respective high school counselors as  the first in their families to pursue an education beyond high school. For  most of them, the odds of setting such a goal are very much against them as the challenges in their home environments and communities are very real. As I anxiously awaited the arrival of the young girl who was to be partnered with me, I thought about how much I wanted to encourage her, support her, and inspire her to work towards her dreams. Little did I know that she was already giving herself a gift that would carry her further than any words of mine.

Alejandra's Story

As the high school girls entered the large community college auditorium and made their way over to the tables, I could feel the excitement in the room grow. Each young woman found her assigned seat which had been previously labeled for her.  A tall slender girl, with shiny dark-hair, striking green eyes, and a smooth olive complexion, quietly approached my table while double-checking her place-card.  While sensing her shyness, I spoke softly as I welcomed her.

“Hi, are you Alejandra?”  As she nodded, I smiled and replied, “Welcome.  My name is Holli.”

Alejandra gracefully slid into her chair, removed her scarf and coat, and sat silently keeping her gaze slightly downward.  Wanting to remain sensitive to Alejandra’s apparent shyness, I moved cautiously into my questioning while reassuring her that she was free to refrain from answering any questions.  Looking at me for the first time eye to eye, Alejandra smiled and softly exhaled a sigh of relief.

I began our exchange with safe conversation starters about Alejandra’s experiences in high school.  I learned that as a sophomore, Alejandra remained extremely focused in her studies. She struggled with math and science, but she excelled in art and English.  When I asked her if she had any photos of her art work, she quickly retrieved her phone from her coat. It was while sharing her work with me that I witnessed a transformation in Alejandra. Her green eyes sparkled and her voice gained in strength and intensity.  As she swiped her phone, sliding through the extraordinarily crafted black and white abstract animal sketches, I was stunned by her level of ability and talent.  I learned how Alejandra’s art teacher entered many of her pieces into competitions and how she was already receiving awards and recognition for her work.  As we continued to explore Alejandra’s successes in both art as well as in English, I could sense a level of comfort developing between us.  As she replaced her phone into her coat pocket, I asked her permission to inquire about her family.

Alejandra respects herself by respecting what is important to her.

With much more confidence in her voice, Alejandra shared how she lived with her grandmother.  She did not know anything about her father.  Although raised on the East Coast, she and her mom moved to Arizona when she was much younger.  Without divulging the details, Alejandra briefly explained that she had been living with her grandmother for several years and it was best this way.  Her face lit up as she talked about her grandmother, her two best friends – a girl and a guy – and the love of her life – her horse.  As we continued to talk, I was moved by an incredible sense of grounding in this young lady.  Given the obstacles in her life, somehow she had developed an inner strength that far surpassed most young people her age. With caution, I asked Alejandra’s permission again, to ask a more personal question. She agreed.

“Alejandra, who or what motivates you to remain as focused and driven as you are?”

Without pausing, she responded. “My grandmother and my horse.”  And then she continued. “My grandmother works so hard to take care of me.  I don’t want to let her down.  I want to do everything I can to make her proud of me… I love her so much.” Her eyes lowered as she composed herself. “And my horse.  Taking care of him and working at the stables is a lot of work and responsibility, but I love him too. And aside from my art work, when I am out riding… I feel  free…”

Wanting to probe a little deeper, I asked Alejandra a question that always interests me about young people.  “Alejandra, if I've heard you correctly, you don’t seem to participate in some of typical teenage at-risk behaviors that other high school kids engage in….is that right? And if so, may I ask, why is that?”

Alejandra turned and looked at me.  Her voice was steady and strong. “Holli, most of the kids at school drink, do drugs, and are in relationships. I know so many girls who are in abusive relationships, getting beat up by their boyfriends and who are afraid to break up with them….  I know lots of kids – girls and guys – who cut themselves.  It is out of control. They start out doing it for fun or cause everyone else is doing it…and it gets worse and worse.  And…there are so many girls who are bulimic or anorexic…it is crazy. They are starving themselves … they think they are fat when they don’t look like the girls on TV or the movies.” Alejandra took in a deep breath. “It’s all messed up….”

I waited and asked. “What keeps you from doing those things?”

Without hesitation, Alejandra responded, “I respect myself too much.”  I waited for more. She

If I don't respect myself - who will?

continued. “Holli, I am not judging my friends or the other kids, but I don’t want to be like them. When they do all that stuff that hurts them, they don’t respect their bodies or their minds. They are deliberately hurting themselves…they are disrespecting themselves…and so other people don’t respect them either.  I learned a long time ago that if I don’t’ respect myself, then who will?”

Astounded by Alejandra’s depth of insight and level of self-awareness and given the personal challenges she endured, I needed to probe one more time. “Alejandra, how did you begin to respect yourself when there were so many things in your young life that hurt you?”

Alejandra’s green eyes softened and watered. “When my grandma took me in four years ago, she was the first person who said she believed in me…. She told me that over and over again. After a while, I started believing in myself…and over the past few years as that belief grew, I felt my self-respect start to take hold.” She smiled and added, “And now, I won’t allow anyone or anything to mess that up. I’ve learned the more I respect myself, the more it gives back to me! Every day, I get stronger and stronger. And every day, I become more determined to achieve my goals and live out my dreams.”

Dislodging the lump in my throat, I spoke. “I have absolutely no doubt, Alejandra, you will do just that.”

What are you doing to respect yourself?

In closing, as Alejandra taught us, respect must start within each one of us. No matter what our challenges are or what difficulties we face, we can choose the gift of self-respect.  It is a gift that we can begin giving to ourselves, a little at a time, each and every day. It is a gift that as we give it to ourselves, it will give back to us, again and again. We must be brave enough to believe we are worth it.   

 Until next time ~ Answer these three questions:

• What are you doing to respect yourself?
• Why is it important to respect yourself?
• If you haven't been treating yourself with respect, what can you start doing today? 

                                      Remember, you have to power to determine your worth!

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